Mother's Day Pictures

Me and the boy. Pam got a card for Taylor to sign...A frog on a harley-perfect.

Mom and her girls.

Taylor threw a fit because Aunt Sandi tricked him into this photo and mom kicked our asses playing cards. Just like any other day

Mother's Day

Since becoming a mother, Mother's Day has mostly had a lot of angst attached to it. Taylor was in foster care recovering from his injuries our second one. Although the judge dismissed the case and returned him to us a week afterwards, the fact that he was not in our care on the day that celebrated moms was extremely painful.

Although I am in a wonderful relationship, I am a single mom and have been for Mother's Day the past three years. My mom was always there to take Taylor shopping for a gift and card for me. The first Mother's Day card from Taylor that his other mother did not buy was painful but I was so touched that mom remembered. Opening that card on that day with the thought that yes, I was someone's mother regardless of what his other mother thought was an emotional time. Having that card meant the world to me.

I am very aware that mom was not available to take Taylor shopping to pick out a card this year and that pains me to no end. For some reason having something tangible to celebrate the fact that, yes, I am a mom is important to me. I cherish the god awful earrings that baby Taylor pointed in the general direction towards when his other mom took him shopping for our first Mother's Day. In the spirit of planting my own garden, I took Taylor shopping for my card and one for his other mom as well. The picture is the tattoo that I want representing Taylor. The sun symbolizes that Taylor is my son, the Aires sign because he is the fiery sign (as is Pam and my sister) and it is his favorite color green.

Picking out what will probably be my own mom's last Mother's Day card from me made me stop and cry in the card aisle for a while.

I've been doing that alot lately.

I can reframe the whole thing.

1. Just for today, I still have a mom

2. The whole family is getting together to celebrate Mother's Day

3. Mom will be coming home for the day

All is well and I will have a card from my son.

Catching Up

After teaching mom's class on Monday night I came home and broke down that I felt that there just wasn't enough of me to go around to do all that I need to do and meet everyone's needs: Mom's need to have me finish her classes and walk in her teaching footsteps, Taylor's need to have me all the time and do everything for him, my need to spend time with my mom, and The Center's needs and growing responsibilities. Pam has been blessedly quiet about her needs although I know that they are there as she pops my popcorn when I stumble in and holds me until I fall guiltily asleep on the couch.

Traditional therapists and 12-steppers alike would ask "What about you? You big people pleaser you!"
There's just not enough of anything...time, money, me.
It's tough having a hero complex in my little psyco-drama.

I have two free nights at home thanks to a boss and co-worker who "fired" me from attending an event that would have me working till 9 and a scheduling change that has Taylor with TOM and gives me an extra weekend this month yet two less days. I'm having trouble letting go of the scheduling change even though it gives me time to rest as I'm convinced that not fighting the battle over losing those two days might come back to haunt me.

Maybe a bit of paranoia creeping in.

Or not.

Pictures

I've not a lot of time to write, so I'll post some pictures of our weekend.

Random Friday

Last week the women at the Center put on a talent show. I figured a couple of kareoke (mom bought the Center a machine) and some bad poetry. How wrong I was. There was a Hawaiian dancer who made Pam cry, some powerful poetry from a girl who had left her abusive father, and one of our favorites, who is 4' tall and 4' wide dressed in a cowboy hat, a mexican sarape, and holding a stuffed Garfield told an incredible story about the Trail of Tears. Too bad I can't post any pictures. The staff dressed in drag and danced to "It's Raining Men." I'm trying to get them to agree to let me post it on Youtube.

Mom is doing better and can feed herself and scratch her nose. She lacks fine motor skills and as of yet cannot pick her nose.

We're getting ready to go camping today. We had this trip planned with mom. I figured that Taylor (and me too) needs some fun so Pam and I are taking him. We're meeting TaTa Dee Dee. Hopefully we'll get in some poker time after the kids go to bed. Kayaking and hiking are also in the cards

I know I haven't posted an update in awhile. Mom was moved to the nursing home that dad died in a year ago. I've been teaching her classes so I'm working 12-13 hour days and visiting her in between jobs. Thankfully I rested well over the weekend.

Mom had the ability to always look at the positive side of everything until now. She can't eat or go to the bathroom without help. She looks defeated.

It's agony seeing her this way.

I'm finding it hard to cope.

Mad

Sad

Defeated

Lonely

Headachy

Tired

Scared

I'm off to do some yoga, meditation and xanax before work

Fuck it.